June Gloom

Ironically this post follows the previous post titled, ZOOOM Life and Living.  I state that fact because it has been over a year since i wrote and life is very much the same, only different.

My daughter has moved out and is working at a company that basically told her everything she wanted to hear including an extortionate salary.  She is working for this company but hates almost every moment.  The good part is that by taking this job, she was able to move into the area that she wanted.  Now she is setting herself up to find her dream job and until then, she continues to text me all day long.  She still hasn't found her "people" yet, and how could she?  She talks to her mom all day and complains about her awful job where she makes more than her father ever did.

My son is still unemployed but we are currently on a path to remedy that.  He is working with the Dept. of Rehabilitation.  This is a government agency that helps people with disabilities find jobs. This involves lots of appointments, testing and coaching. I'm kind of tired, but I stick this out because my kid needs a life, a life away from his mommy.

My husband isn't happy happy with his job either and my mother is dealing with a deep sadness.  I am pretty sure she is depressed.  Last week she started crying right in the middle of our phone conversation, crazy.

Me, I am wondering how to deal with everyone's sadness. I have no answers as to how I am supposed to do this. I have my own stuff and things to deal with. We have money from an inheritance and we can't even find a contractor willing to take some of it off our hands.  Gosh, i don't even feel like blogging about this right now.  Let's just say that everything hinges on a "friend" helping us... yeah, a friend.  This "friend" is an architect and offered to draw us up some plans but that has yet to happen.  Oh well.

ZOOOM Life and Living

Sunset at the homestead again. March 30th 2015, Spring time in Southern California. Looks much like all the other months of the year here. Maybe that is our problem here, no shifting of the senses, no change. 

My blog is a place i walk to__a place I can attempt to sort through my feelings. Reading old posts further reinforces my thoughts about time and that everything changes. It makes me wonder why we freak out about situations when they will ultimately morph into other things? You can count on that fact. Maybe we worry about what exactly will our prickly little issues turn into? What indeed?

Since 2013 we have lost my husband's parents, both grandma and grandpa have since passed. We have rescued our daughter from an abusive situation in San Francisco and she now lives with us. She is currently trying to find another job down here while working remotely with the SF company. Our son still struggles with unemployment and a sense of worth.  He has zero direction and I am uncomfortable saying it aloud, but I am of no help. My mother is a constant tug at my heart because she is so sad and I don't know what to do about it or how to help. 

As I write all that it is as if time stopped but I know that is not possible. How did all these things happen in just a few years? We have some money now from my husband's parents and we are attempting to set a five year goal plan. Stay? Move? Love this house or fix it to sell? How to best move forward?  Older is not always wiser?  

  

Depressed about being Depressed

Im-ing with my daughter in San Francisco while watching the People's Choice Awards, listening to Spotify and looking at house pics on Houzz and trying to blog.  

There are eleven orcas trapped in the sea ice and they probably will not make it.  I watch the video and I can feel their panic.  I can't turn away and I keep watching.  I wonder if when a person is going through their own depression they gravitate to sad things?  I just want to rest and maybe do something other than worry.  What would that be like?  I was fine today I have no idea why this awful sadness is surrounding me right now and right before bed.  Oh yeah, I am going to sleep tonight.  Actually sleep is my sanctuary.  I have the means to fix this house and help my kids and relax with my husband.  I wonder why it takes me so long to climb into bed being that it is a place where I can dream, where possibilities exist?  

I am so depressed about being depressed.  

Happy New Year 2013

On to the next year.  I have so much hope because the alternative is unfathomable and I hope because I have children and I want them to have experiences.  This past year hasn't ended as I planned but i suppose that just isn't how it works.  Whatever "it" is.  My father passed away September 28th and now things are so very different, everything has changed.  I am ready to leave 2012 and start a new anything and everything.  In my head a flash of something dreadful comes to mind, change is not always good.  Okay a few changes are merited  I have hope for good changes and forward movement that we can all agree to be necessary.  I want to wake up every day and feel love.  I want to have positive energy all around me all the time. Okay so I know this isn't possible but I can HOPE for it.  Here in California not all of us choose to party hard!  We did get an invite to the party of the year but as always we decided to stay home.  We have always preferred to bring in the next year peacefully and safely from our home where ever that happens to be each December 31st.  May we all experience the energy of our choice and revel in it, learn from it, and use it to move forward.  

HYPNOTIC SHAMANIC MEDITATION DRUMMING &CHANT

My Pop

I miss this old man.  Love you Dad.

You were so sad. I hope and pray that you have found your happy place Daddy  <3

WHO AM I

THE REAL VIEW:  WHO AM I?  

Daughter, sister, lover, wife, mother, friend & sometimes just me __that's who I am today.  I am also a bit pushy and sometimes very nosey so I try to control situations or understand them by controlling them.  I am proud and I love and I care.  I am scared and fearful of the rest of my life.  I am a dreamer of dreams and a doer of nothing.  I constantly analyze and try to list or find out why?  What if?  But why would that person do that or why would they want to?  I like to sleep so I can dream about it cause I can't do it in my wake time.  I like to decorate and remodel and I watch house hunter International because I dream of travel.  I am scared of traveling and fearful of different.  I embrace difference and respect it.  I pray every day for tolerance but don't believe in religion.  I am a dedicated individual wanting world peace.  I wish people truly treated each other like they would like to be treated__that is a religion I could support.  It is midnight and I am pretty sure I will turn into a pumpkin.  Good night

Free Tarot Card Reading....

My question is about my current place of residence and if it is permanent or not? Thank you <3

Sure <3

Knight of Pentacles

I don’t feel like its permanent. I feel like right now, you’re on the start of a long journey, and this current place is a place for you to stop, rest, get back on your feet, get some supplies and keep moving. There are other things out there for you, so don’t fall into the trap of being comfortable over getting what you really want in life.

I hope I was accurate and helped you! If you get a chance, please leave feedback and for a more in depth reading add me on skype (- littlelioness3 :) or for another short reading please feel free to message me again!  

We just bought this place so I hope ur reading that knight differently than I would have. I just pulled out my cards_haven't done so in years. DEATH fell out of the deck twice. Something is a muck. Good thing I'm good with change. Tired of the roller coaster needing to get on the merry-go-round.

I don’t see it as a bad thing for you right now! I feel like you have bigger and better places to be, I feel like it will be semi-permanent but like I said I feel like this is more of a stepping stone for you, as you are destined for bigger things. :)

Ya Never KNOW!  

Santa Anna Winds

Once again the wind is howling outside and all the bumps and noises are going to keep me awake.  At least this time out there are no one hundred fifty foot trees threatening to fall on my house.  In Oregon we called them easterlies and it was crazy wild with the fir trees in back of the house.  The worst part were the twelve sky lights allowing me to see straight up.  On the nights when the moon was full everything would be lit and the fighting shadows would make it impossible to sleep.
Here in southern California we call them the "Santa Anna" winds and they are howling right now.

I saw the movie, The Holiday and in that movie the actor Jack Black mentions that, "anything can happen during the Santa Anna winds".  I honestly had never heard that before and I have lived her most my life, however, today it feels different.  Perhaps cause I am back on that damn roller coaster ride!  My daughter has begun her life in another city with her boy friend and her new job.  It is my husband that isn't comfortable with his present employment.  It was supposed to be my son's turn. I am supposed to working with him to find a local job, his first.  I can't even concentrate on the poor kid. Everything is up in the air blowing around like the wind.

Do we get to stay here in our new home?

Dad's Room

Sitting in my father's room which has been almost stripped of his personal belongings.  Dad isn't here and I doubt he'd notice being that he died twenty days ago.  It feels like an untruth and at the same time it feels like it could have possibly happened a long long time ago.  I pulled up the calendar to count the days and I am a little taken a back that it has only been twenty days.  

Today we went around to the different financial establishments passing out death certificates like they were Halloween candy.  The transition is almost complete; his name is systematically being removed from all that was his.  It just isn't any longer.  

I am just sitting here in the dark on his bed hoping that he is being held and being told what a good person he is and how he is loved by so many.  I picture him in white light, warm and smiling.  I love you dad <3

My Plan

I have a plan and the plan is to make money

Yep, that is my plan and for some really strange reason I believe it will work. I am going to write a book about how to acquire a job __my way.  It is an unconventional yet modern way to get a job and I have seen it work. I have gotten my husband a job (several times) and I have recently gotten my daughter a job.  I know my methods work and I know that I could promote it IF I can get it all written down.  

SO that is the plan!  I will get my wonderfully talented daughter to do my cover art and I will come up with some snappy title about an unconventional job search or rules or something.  I will have to think about this.  Any suggestions anyone?

My market will be newly graduated college kids so I need "hip".  I definitely have to put some thought into this.

This is my plan since I was successful getting my daughter a job in San Francisco of all places, I have lots of time on my hands. I mean I do have one more project, our son, but I just woke up and knew this is what i must do, write!  Yes, I must write!

Write On

My mum on her sister's Harley outside Grandma's house in Redondo Beach California.  SO cool.  

October, 2012 I lost my father and sent my daughter away to be an adult.  The economy has turned an ugly eye on the middle class american so here we sit in our new home.  Our new home that we can't even remodel like we would like.  It would at least be nice to have furniture, new windows, a roof!

I have so many dreams about a book I am supposed to write and I spend a lot of time considering topics but nothing has hit me in the head as of yet.  There must be something I can do to drum up a few dollars. Tis a mystery, yes. 

I am just physically tired __I would love to pour out my emotion but I don't think there is anything there to pour.

Maybe later.  

click click click ... the roller coaster is climbing

Wow, what a ride this has been; the ups, the downs, the hair raising turns, this roller coaster is an amazing!  I want off!  I am physically and emotionally drained and I just want to quit this ride and find something else to do.  

Monster Moon

The moon isn't quite full tonight but I pray that there is enough light to help my father find his way.  There of course speculation about what happens when one dies; I laugh when people honestly believe they know the truth.  How could they know?  I would never presume to know what happens. I am a wait and see kind of gal. What I do know is that death is final for the living. My father was here this morning and now he isn't; perhaps in spirit but not in body.  They took him away, those men in the white mini van, they took him away and said they would be "good to our loved one". Seconds later they draped him in a silk blanket and tossed him up on  a gurney but I am sure they didn't mean to be so rough.  One can only hope that they do treat him with respect.

I am currently sitting on his bed in his room and he is not.  He just isn't.  I wonder if I type that fifty more times if it will seem any more real.  Death is surreal. 

Rest in peace Daddy
James Kolb
01-27-34
09-28-12

Wishes Hurt

My husband sent me a gif. of a shooting star to make a wish upon. How iconic of the time to send a gif. of a shooting star but yes he did.  He emailed it to me which makes me smile as well.  It's my birthday again, seems like every year I have to deal with this birthday issue__ just like everyone else I suppose.

I have always hated my birthday because well, usually someone dies, but that hasn't been the case these past years.  I still hate the date.  My husband said to make a wish but wishes hurt right now.  God that sounds so awful to say but I heard it on TV just a few moments ago, that wishes hurt, and I totally made a connection with the comment.  I have so many wishes and I know that many will not come to pass, not in this life time.  When It's my time to come back around I am not coming back without a way to make some of these wishes come true.  I will just stay part of the light and refuse to walk out. For an entire year I have been sitting on camping chairs in the living room; my dining table is a hand-me-down from my mother.  I would like real grown-up furniture.  I have old nasty carpet covering beautiful old hardwood floors and I want more than anything to rip them up but I have to wait, wait for paint, wait to tear out the wall, wait for the moldings.  Oh my goodness there is so much that one should do before tearing up the carpet because right now it protects the wood floors.  All we need is the cash. That almighty buck that constantly seems to elude us.

I just realized another aspect of why I hate my birthdays, birthdays reveal your like-ability. How many friends do you have?  Who would come to your party should anyone actually organize something for the event?  I don't think many people would come to my birthday. I have never had a close circle of friends.  My best friends are my husband and my daughter.

I love movies about women coming together and accomplishing goals being there and supporting one another.  Another wish I have always had but never took the time to develop was to have friends.  I have acquaintances and people I have known since forever but I do not actively participate in the friendship. A person has to be willing to give up a bit of themselves to belong to a group and I don't think, at least outside my own family circle, that I have ever done that.  I have issues!

Who need to spend money on therapy?  I just figured out all my problems surrounding the utter disdain for the sixth of September. I am not feeling too hopeful right now at this moment but I do have hope that I will figure out how to remedy this situation in the future.  At some point I hope to venture out into the world and make friends. Throw a party?????

Will this be the week?

OMG this just doesn't end!  It keeps going and going and going...  I am physically tired.

It is the same story out here on the west coast as I am sure it is on the east.  Companies put these ads out asking for applications for a certain opening and then they never look at the apps. It is like watching the stock market, I watch to see who is viewing her sites and who is looking over her  linkedin account.  I keep working to make  her visible and people keep looking but dang it, someone call!  Did I mention how tired I am?  She and I have personal doctor appointments and such this week so I hope that means that someone will call__since we will not be able to pick up the phone.  Of course they will, why not?

The Start of Another Week!

This is so not cool.
Another Monday and no contact!
OMG!

Another Day of Silence

Yep, another day of silence... a call from a recruiter but I am not sure that counts.  After many compliments about her professionalism he neglects to follow through on his end.  Oh well another week gone without a word from my daughter's dream company.  I know her teachers have said to chill-out but there is a part of me that doesn't want to let the connection grow cold.  I will not do anything until the end of the next week; at that time all bets are off!

August 18th and counting.......

Don't Touch That Dial

Very hot here in southern California but we don’t mind all that much, we still have the pool.  Every day when the sun goes down enough to shade most the pool, we all go for a soak, It is wonderful!!

Still waiting!  From the 8th to the 16th not a word and still I have this feeling that she has found her company.  Basically because this is how my daughter operates, she picks the whatever it is she wants and she just says, that’s it, that is the one, and she goes for it!  I myself haven’t bothered to even apply for anything else, why should I?  I know this is the place but dang it, I wish they would call!

I had my daughter contact her professors at her school in New York to ask their advice.  What they told her was to, “chill out!”  This could take a two to three weeks, FINE!  I am not sure I can wait that long but I can tell you that I am already thinking about how to proceed.  ALways thinking…

She and I went to the grandparents to help them both with errands and such, long couple of days.  We attempted to tame the rain forest over at my parents house.  I cut and trimmed anything  my mom would let me cut down and we stuffed it into three giant green barrels.  Next week I will bring my son over to help with another corner of the property.  I am always exhausted by the time I drive home on Thursday but I also am always exhilarated when I look over their garden and I see what has been accomplished.  Things are looking really nice, there is just that one area that I have to concentrate on when I go next week.  

Little Bits

This is a site, I am sitting on the curb at the top of a dead end street typing on my computer.  In the background I hear men talking, they are setting something up around some sattilite type of thing.  They have clean room outfits on so I have no idea what they are doing.  ANyway, here I sit waiting for my daughter to finish with an interview at an advertising company just down the road.  I thought I might as well make good use out of my time here on the curb and put some thoughts to print.  

It is a good day today here in a very sunny southern California.  Bits of pine tree are dropping onto my computer as I type and the smell is soothing; kind of reminds me of Oregon.  I just realized that my day, well everyone’s days, are made of bits.  So many little things that drive us to get up each morning.  While this job search is currently __well now that I think about it, jobs are the number one bit we deal with on a daily basis here.  The dream job I found for my husband turned out to be not all that special and he is “having” to go to work each morning.  In my head I have already started to think about how to put him back out there, how to get people to think about him.  I have a small plan in place and then put it on the back burner because I have to deal with the daughter right now.  I spend my nights searching out boutique companies that have anything to do with advertising and the entertainment industry.  I search out the people that work there and find the ones that matter, recruiters, department heads, and HR people.  I follow the companies on social networks watching what they do and who is important.  I pull up their LinkedIn accounts to see where they worked previously and what their portfolios look like.  I also pull up their accounts in case they are looking like I do everyday so that they will see my daughter has looked at their account.  Perhaps in turn and sometimes they do, they will look at her stuff.  I know this works because last week she got an email from the VP of a company she has dreamed of working at.  She is very excited and I have this feeling that because they contacted her and told her, “they liked her stuff”, yes I think she is in.  AND yes, I did send out a little note to a department head there offering up her link and a small note saying how interested she was in that company.  I didn’t however send it to the VP, so somehow that all was shared with him at some point and he is interested.  I think she is in.  Last conversation was him asking what it is that she wanted and what was her employment status?  I had her respond that she was unemployed yet walking a few feet off the ground to be talking to someone from XXXXX.  He asked her if she would consider an internship and she responded that the best of all sineros would be that XXXXX would offer her a full time JR. Designer job but that if to get into the company, then yes she would consider an internship. That was on a Wednesday and there was no other contact.  Today is Monday and she is at a second interview with a company that requested she come in prior to the contact on Wednesday.  Not knowing for sure what is going to happen, she is down the street for interview number two. Over the weekend I had her contact her professors at school, who all work in the field and have very impressive credits, if she could use them as references.  This bight and early Monday morning I had her send those references to the dream company with a note stating that she would like to share with him blah blah blah so that he might inquire more about the school the program and her!  Should work to get her back into the discussions at that company.

My mind scares me too.  I think of it as creative manipulation where I plant a seed and see if grows all the while making only positive statements.  Never inject anything negative into an email or conversation no matter how tiny it will misrepresent your intentions.  I am lucky in that my daughter can write very well.  She always comes across as sounding every bit the young professional.  It has only been thirty minutes and I am really hot and can’t think of anything more to write.  Time to blow off the little bits of pine from my keyboard and move along.  I need to run few errands, might as well do that now. 

HERE’s to the little bits!!