What is Dilemma number five?  Perhaps the final hurdle will be to find me.  I always state that I am a daughter, sister, friend, lover, wife and mother and then I like to state that sometimes I am even myself.  What that is exactly isn’t truly defined as of yet; who am I?  My entire reason for starting this blog was to try and define who I am.  I felt that at this point in my life I should know more about who I am and I realized that I don’t.  I thought that by writing words and sending them out into the cyber world that somehow the cosmos would help guide me along and indeed I have received my first comment; there are people out there.  What do other women feel at this phase of their lives?  Enquiring minds want to know :)  

I did just realize that the daughter, sister, friend, lover, wife, mother, me comment is the key.  It is all about perfecting or rather being satisfied with those phases of your life.  If I had a career of some sort I would have stuck that in there as well, but I have been a domestic goddess most of my adult life.  Not that I do not want a career because I would love to be something other than the aforementioned titles.  Maybe I'll think about this some more.  

What does one do when the chaos ends?  I wish I didn’t have an answer for that one but I do; one just finds another crazy issue to deal with.  Now the daughter needs a job so she can pay off school loans because we certainly cannot help her.  She is having a little confidence issue which i believe is part of the college process in fact that moment has already been dealt with and her confidence has been restored; see how fast that happened!  

I see her going from one extreme to the next as she wades her way through.  In fifteen days she is a graduate with financial responsibilities.  Because of the nature of her field she is required to have a website and portfolio which directly reflects her.  The fist attempt was a bit of a struggle and the feed back wasn’t necessarily positive so she panicked and emotions over flowed.  I think she was trying to make something that reflected her earlier work and it didn’t blend in with the type of projects she was now doing.  All the turmoil leads to an arranged meeting with her professor and some well placed encouragement and we are moving forward with new reverence.  In the last minutes everything is being torn down and rebuilt and according to her professor she can reapply to every company that had previously rejected her; the list of those companies isn’t long but she was disheartened by those that did.  Today is a positive day and one which she accomplished quite a bit.  I am excited to see what she pulls out of her hat this time.  The little that I did see impressed me. 

Finding the job is my forte and I feel like I’ve been activated, called in to once again do my thing.  I have been doing some espionage work around her professional accounts linking her up with various professionals that I believe will help her find a good job.  I have looked over and shortened her cover letter.  It is perfect and describes exactly what she is going for, who she is and what she wants.  She can use that when she gets everything else up and running.  I hope to use this opportunity to teach her how to track leads and turn them into opportunities.  Something clicks inside of me and I assume this Sherlock kind of image, makes me smile anyway.  Did mention that I blur the line between my life and hers?

Dilemma number one was finding a place to bloom a place to root and we have done that.  It was an incredible world-wind but we did do it; I love this house.  Number two was getting through the job issues for the husband.  He needed to find his happy place and I believe we have done that; he can retire from this company.  We will never be rich but we shall be happy.  Number three is getting our daughter started in a new city with a new job.  Number four will be working with our son.  He too needs to find his way.

I wonder what number five is??

Another wonderful day in southern California; It didn't start out that way but it did eventually get there.  

Crisis adverted and smooth sailing from noon on.  


Our daughter is the creative type and as I mentioned before, at times I have trouble finding that line between her life and my own.  When she is feeling stress and having confidence issues, I feel them too.  I believe it is a process and a part of being so creative.  You would think that she would primarily be a left brain kind of person which she is but she also thinks way too much and as a result gets in her own way.  She is aware of this and yet it never fails that little Miss. "I hate drama" becomes the biggest drama queen ever!  


I was never one of those mothers that goo-gooed over their kids; talking in that high pitched loud obnoxious voice going over the top to explain one of life's little mysteries.  I talked to them like I would want to be talked to and I always kept it real.  When they were older I never held back my honest opinion and not because of some parenting book i had read because honestly I never remember reading any.  I am just that kind of person.  My daughter has said that I adequately prepared her for life because when it came time to critique projects in school some of those kids would curl up and cry.  Those kids received a trophy no matter what, right, all kids get trophies cause they are all important and gave it their best!  I say, bullshit!  I am laughing because that is a pet peeve of my husbands; he always felt that kids should learn how to lose, it would make them want to win more.  All children participating in team sports here in the United States receive a trophy no matter what.  After twenty some odd years of being told the sun shines out your ass, it makes it hard to know how to deal with criticism.  My daughter never cried, she just moved on and did what she needed to do.  I say bravo baby!

What an incredible day to be selfish and humbled by life.  <3  Slight breeze flowing over my shoulders as I toil in the garden; it is an amazing day to be just us.  

It is a continuous theme in my life to experience exact opposite feelings at the same time.  Yesterday was exhilarating because I was able to do so much yard work and not die.  I visit my parents every Wednesday and Thursday; I go to help them with whatever they need and to give my mom a break.  Two giant trees removed from the yard equals a giant mess to clean up.  I arrived at ten in the morning and did not stop until after five; every part of me covered in dirt.  It is incredible that I was able to do as much as I did and I was pretty happy about that fact.  It was also evident that my body is more than a half century old; because everything hurt.  I hate being reminded that I am this old and that things are starting to break down.

  It is interesting that most people only consider that perhaps they should take better care of themselves when there has already been damage.  Like most people I am thinking that I need to be kinder to myself because I can see the future and it isn't a good one.  Note to self, better find a way to heat our swimming pool so I can start exercising more and better start eating better so I can get up off my knees.  There ya go, every day is a learning day even at my age.

tick tick tick tick... you know that noise that the roller coaster makes as it pulls to the top to a point where it is supposed to plummet straight down with lightening speed?  I do, I have been listening to those ticking sounds for many years now.  In the years before we sold our home ourselves; after being screwed over by a too new real-estate agent.  All that stress involved in keeping such a big home clean 24/7; updating websites and getting the word out, networking.  The fighting with local real-estate people who were never too thrilled that we were selling the house ourselves; they would steal our open house signs.  It did end but the ticking sound never did cease.  The two years we spent at a rental should have been a time to gather our thoughts but it turned into its own stressful situation.  It is hard for two DIY-ers to not DIY.  We should have at least painted, gotten rid of that purple kitchen, but it was supposed to be temporary.  So of course there was the added stress of looking for another home.  Again all the set backs proved to be beneficial now but then it was hell!  We did put in an offer on a home that if it would have worked out would have been detrimental to our success today.

The decision to move from one state to another was in of itself a crazy undertaking.  The moving trucks and the PODs and the thousand mile treks back and forth; it was very stressful!  The best was when me and the kids moved into my parents house and my husband lived with his parents.  We would partake in conjugal visits on the weekend; poor guy was beaten down.  We did that for six months before we found the home we now live in; the home that they will have to one day drag our poor old dead bodies out of.  The one my husband bought without me seeing it.  Yep, I signed all the papers and going out with the inspector was the first time that I saw it.  My Husband and the real-estate woman held their breathes and I held my composure.  I could not get past the ugly and I could not see what I do see today.  The one part of my life that is a constant is my husband; he is my rock!  I depend on him and he depends on me, we are a great team.  Rule number one is that he picks out the house and the paint colors.  He later told me that he didn't consider the house so much as the view, the pool and the location.  He knew that we could eventually make the house our own and we shall, one day.

Too bad that no good awful nasty job got in our way and added all that extra stress, (as stated in my first post).  Thinking back on that ticking noise it does stand to reason that at some point we are going to hit the peak and come crashing down however, I think I missed that plummeting feeling.  I don't recall clutching my gut and wanting to throw up at any point; it all just kind of stopped dead.  Silence ensued.

I should come full circle and say that the reason I occasionally feel depressed is when I look around and realize how much needs to be done to this little house; hence the first post about how no little girl dreams of being in this situation at the age of 50.  I started writing that somewhere between the no good awful horrible job and the dream job that pays less.  I was feeling particularly sorry for myself that day and for what it's worth, I cut and pasted that from a note I had written to myself.  The time line is off but I believe I have gotten everything posted now.

24 more days and our daughter graduates from college!