Happy New Year 2013

On to the next year.  I have so much hope because the alternative is unfathomable and I hope because I have children and I want them to have experiences.  This past year hasn't ended as I planned but i suppose that just isn't how it works.  Whatever "it" is.  My father passed away September 28th and now things are so very different, everything has changed.  I am ready to leave 2012 and start a new anything and everything.  In my head a flash of something dreadful comes to mind, change is not always good.  Okay a few changes are merited  I have hope for good changes and forward movement that we can all agree to be necessary.  I want to wake up every day and feel love.  I want to have positive energy all around me all the time. Okay so I know this isn't possible but I can HOPE for it.  Here in California not all of us choose to party hard!  We did get an invite to the party of the year but as always we decided to stay home.  We have always preferred to bring in the next year peacefully and safely from our home where ever that happens to be each December 31st.  May we all experience the energy of our choice and revel in it, learn from it, and use it to move forward.  

HYPNOTIC SHAMANIC MEDITATION DRUMMING &CHANT

My Pop

I miss this old man.  Love you Dad.

You were so sad. I hope and pray that you have found your happy place Daddy  <3

WHO AM I

THE REAL VIEW:  WHO AM I?  

Daughter, sister, lover, wife, mother, friend & sometimes just me __that's who I am today.  I am also a bit pushy and sometimes very nosey so I try to control situations or understand them by controlling them.  I am proud and I love and I care.  I am scared and fearful of the rest of my life.  I am a dreamer of dreams and a doer of nothing.  I constantly analyze and try to list or find out why?  What if?  But why would that person do that or why would they want to?  I like to sleep so I can dream about it cause I can't do it in my wake time.  I like to decorate and remodel and I watch house hunter International because I dream of travel.  I am scared of traveling and fearful of different.  I embrace difference and respect it.  I pray every day for tolerance but don't believe in religion.  I am a dedicated individual wanting world peace.  I wish people truly treated each other like they would like to be treated__that is a religion I could support.  It is midnight and I am pretty sure I will turn into a pumpkin.  Good night

Free Tarot Card Reading....

My question is about my current place of residence and if it is permanent or not? Thank you <3

Sure <3

Knight of Pentacles

I don’t feel like its permanent. I feel like right now, you’re on the start of a long journey, and this current place is a place for you to stop, rest, get back on your feet, get some supplies and keep moving. There are other things out there for you, so don’t fall into the trap of being comfortable over getting what you really want in life.

I hope I was accurate and helped you! If you get a chance, please leave feedback and for a more in depth reading add me on skype (- littlelioness3 :) or for another short reading please feel free to message me again!  

We just bought this place so I hope ur reading that knight differently than I would have. I just pulled out my cards_haven't done so in years. DEATH fell out of the deck twice. Something is a muck. Good thing I'm good with change. Tired of the roller coaster needing to get on the merry-go-round.

I don’t see it as a bad thing for you right now! I feel like you have bigger and better places to be, I feel like it will be semi-permanent but like I said I feel like this is more of a stepping stone for you, as you are destined for bigger things. :)

Ya Never KNOW!  

Santa Anna Winds

Once again the wind is howling outside and all the bumps and noises are going to keep me awake.  At least this time out there are no one hundred fifty foot trees threatening to fall on my house.  In Oregon we called them easterlies and it was crazy wild with the fir trees in back of the house.  The worst part were the twelve sky lights allowing me to see straight up.  On the nights when the moon was full everything would be lit and the fighting shadows would make it impossible to sleep.
Here in southern California we call them the "Santa Anna" winds and they are howling right now.

I saw the movie, The Holiday and in that movie the actor Jack Black mentions that, "anything can happen during the Santa Anna winds".  I honestly had never heard that before and I have lived her most my life, however, today it feels different.  Perhaps cause I am back on that damn roller coaster ride!  My daughter has begun her life in another city with her boy friend and her new job.  It is my husband that isn't comfortable with his present employment.  It was supposed to be my son's turn. I am supposed to working with him to find a local job, his first.  I can't even concentrate on the poor kid. Everything is up in the air blowing around like the wind.

Do we get to stay here in our new home?

Dad's Room

Sitting in my father's room which has been almost stripped of his personal belongings.  Dad isn't here and I doubt he'd notice being that he died twenty days ago.  It feels like an untruth and at the same time it feels like it could have possibly happened a long long time ago.  I pulled up the calendar to count the days and I am a little taken a back that it has only been twenty days.  

Today we went around to the different financial establishments passing out death certificates like they were Halloween candy.  The transition is almost complete; his name is systematically being removed from all that was his.  It just isn't any longer.  

I am just sitting here in the dark on his bed hoping that he is being held and being told what a good person he is and how he is loved by so many.  I picture him in white light, warm and smiling.  I love you dad <3

My Plan

I have a plan and the plan is to make money

Yep, that is my plan and for some really strange reason I believe it will work. I am going to write a book about how to acquire a job __my way.  It is an unconventional yet modern way to get a job and I have seen it work. I have gotten my husband a job (several times) and I have recently gotten my daughter a job.  I know my methods work and I know that I could promote it IF I can get it all written down.  

SO that is the plan!  I will get my wonderfully talented daughter to do my cover art and I will come up with some snappy title about an unconventional job search or rules or something.  I will have to think about this.  Any suggestions anyone?

My market will be newly graduated college kids so I need "hip".  I definitely have to put some thought into this.

This is my plan since I was successful getting my daughter a job in San Francisco of all places, I have lots of time on my hands. I mean I do have one more project, our son, but I just woke up and knew this is what i must do, write!  Yes, I must write!

Write On

My mum on her sister's Harley outside Grandma's house in Redondo Beach California.  SO cool.  

October, 2012 I lost my father and sent my daughter away to be an adult.  The economy has turned an ugly eye on the middle class american so here we sit in our new home.  Our new home that we can't even remodel like we would like.  It would at least be nice to have furniture, new windows, a roof!

I have so many dreams about a book I am supposed to write and I spend a lot of time considering topics but nothing has hit me in the head as of yet.  There must be something I can do to drum up a few dollars. Tis a mystery, yes. 

I am just physically tired __I would love to pour out my emotion but I don't think there is anything there to pour.

Maybe later.  

click click click ... the roller coaster is climbing

Wow, what a ride this has been; the ups, the downs, the hair raising turns, this roller coaster is an amazing!  I want off!  I am physically and emotionally drained and I just want to quit this ride and find something else to do.  

Monster Moon

The moon isn't quite full tonight but I pray that there is enough light to help my father find his way.  There of course speculation about what happens when one dies; I laugh when people honestly believe they know the truth.  How could they know?  I would never presume to know what happens. I am a wait and see kind of gal. What I do know is that death is final for the living. My father was here this morning and now he isn't; perhaps in spirit but not in body.  They took him away, those men in the white mini van, they took him away and said they would be "good to our loved one". Seconds later they draped him in a silk blanket and tossed him up on  a gurney but I am sure they didn't mean to be so rough.  One can only hope that they do treat him with respect.

I am currently sitting on his bed in his room and he is not.  He just isn't.  I wonder if I type that fifty more times if it will seem any more real.  Death is surreal. 

Rest in peace Daddy
James Kolb
01-27-34
09-28-12

Wishes Hurt

My husband sent me a gif. of a shooting star to make a wish upon. How iconic of the time to send a gif. of a shooting star but yes he did.  He emailed it to me which makes me smile as well.  It's my birthday again, seems like every year I have to deal with this birthday issue__ just like everyone else I suppose.

I have always hated my birthday because well, usually someone dies, but that hasn't been the case these past years.  I still hate the date.  My husband said to make a wish but wishes hurt right now.  God that sounds so awful to say but I heard it on TV just a few moments ago, that wishes hurt, and I totally made a connection with the comment.  I have so many wishes and I know that many will not come to pass, not in this life time.  When It's my time to come back around I am not coming back without a way to make some of these wishes come true.  I will just stay part of the light and refuse to walk out. For an entire year I have been sitting on camping chairs in the living room; my dining table is a hand-me-down from my mother.  I would like real grown-up furniture.  I have old nasty carpet covering beautiful old hardwood floors and I want more than anything to rip them up but I have to wait, wait for paint, wait to tear out the wall, wait for the moldings.  Oh my goodness there is so much that one should do before tearing up the carpet because right now it protects the wood floors.  All we need is the cash. That almighty buck that constantly seems to elude us.

I just realized another aspect of why I hate my birthdays, birthdays reveal your like-ability. How many friends do you have?  Who would come to your party should anyone actually organize something for the event?  I don't think many people would come to my birthday. I have never had a close circle of friends.  My best friends are my husband and my daughter.

I love movies about women coming together and accomplishing goals being there and supporting one another.  Another wish I have always had but never took the time to develop was to have friends.  I have acquaintances and people I have known since forever but I do not actively participate in the friendship. A person has to be willing to give up a bit of themselves to belong to a group and I don't think, at least outside my own family circle, that I have ever done that.  I have issues!

Who need to spend money on therapy?  I just figured out all my problems surrounding the utter disdain for the sixth of September. I am not feeling too hopeful right now at this moment but I do have hope that I will figure out how to remedy this situation in the future.  At some point I hope to venture out into the world and make friends. Throw a party?????

Will this be the week?

OMG this just doesn't end!  It keeps going and going and going...  I am physically tired.

It is the same story out here on the west coast as I am sure it is on the east.  Companies put these ads out asking for applications for a certain opening and then they never look at the apps. It is like watching the stock market, I watch to see who is viewing her sites and who is looking over her  linkedin account.  I keep working to make  her visible and people keep looking but dang it, someone call!  Did I mention how tired I am?  She and I have personal doctor appointments and such this week so I hope that means that someone will call__since we will not be able to pick up the phone.  Of course they will, why not?

The Start of Another Week!

This is so not cool.
Another Monday and no contact!
OMG!

Another Day of Silence

Yep, another day of silence... a call from a recruiter but I am not sure that counts.  After many compliments about her professionalism he neglects to follow through on his end.  Oh well another week gone without a word from my daughter's dream company.  I know her teachers have said to chill-out but there is a part of me that doesn't want to let the connection grow cold.  I will not do anything until the end of the next week; at that time all bets are off!

August 18th and counting.......

Don't Touch That Dial

Very hot here in southern California but we don’t mind all that much, we still have the pool.  Every day when the sun goes down enough to shade most the pool, we all go for a soak, It is wonderful!!

Still waiting!  From the 8th to the 16th not a word and still I have this feeling that she has found her company.  Basically because this is how my daughter operates, she picks the whatever it is she wants and she just says, that’s it, that is the one, and she goes for it!  I myself haven’t bothered to even apply for anything else, why should I?  I know this is the place but dang it, I wish they would call!

I had my daughter contact her professors at her school in New York to ask their advice.  What they told her was to, “chill out!”  This could take a two to three weeks, FINE!  I am not sure I can wait that long but I can tell you that I am already thinking about how to proceed.  ALways thinking…

She and I went to the grandparents to help them both with errands and such, long couple of days.  We attempted to tame the rain forest over at my parents house.  I cut and trimmed anything  my mom would let me cut down and we stuffed it into three giant green barrels.  Next week I will bring my son over to help with another corner of the property.  I am always exhausted by the time I drive home on Thursday but I also am always exhilarated when I look over their garden and I see what has been accomplished.  Things are looking really nice, there is just that one area that I have to concentrate on when I go next week.  

Little Bits

This is a site, I am sitting on the curb at the top of a dead end street typing on my computer.  In the background I hear men talking, they are setting something up around some sattilite type of thing.  They have clean room outfits on so I have no idea what they are doing.  ANyway, here I sit waiting for my daughter to finish with an interview at an advertising company just down the road.  I thought I might as well make good use out of my time here on the curb and put some thoughts to print.  

It is a good day today here in a very sunny southern California.  Bits of pine tree are dropping onto my computer as I type and the smell is soothing; kind of reminds me of Oregon.  I just realized that my day, well everyone’s days, are made of bits.  So many little things that drive us to get up each morning.  While this job search is currently __well now that I think about it, jobs are the number one bit we deal with on a daily basis here.  The dream job I found for my husband turned out to be not all that special and he is “having” to go to work each morning.  In my head I have already started to think about how to put him back out there, how to get people to think about him.  I have a small plan in place and then put it on the back burner because I have to deal with the daughter right now.  I spend my nights searching out boutique companies that have anything to do with advertising and the entertainment industry.  I search out the people that work there and find the ones that matter, recruiters, department heads, and HR people.  I follow the companies on social networks watching what they do and who is important.  I pull up their LinkedIn accounts to see where they worked previously and what their portfolios look like.  I also pull up their accounts in case they are looking like I do everyday so that they will see my daughter has looked at their account.  Perhaps in turn and sometimes they do, they will look at her stuff.  I know this works because last week she got an email from the VP of a company she has dreamed of working at.  She is very excited and I have this feeling that because they contacted her and told her, “they liked her stuff”, yes I think she is in.  AND yes, I did send out a little note to a department head there offering up her link and a small note saying how interested she was in that company.  I didn’t however send it to the VP, so somehow that all was shared with him at some point and he is interested.  I think she is in.  Last conversation was him asking what it is that she wanted and what was her employment status?  I had her respond that she was unemployed yet walking a few feet off the ground to be talking to someone from XXXXX.  He asked her if she would consider an internship and she responded that the best of all sineros would be that XXXXX would offer her a full time JR. Designer job but that if to get into the company, then yes she would consider an internship. That was on a Wednesday and there was no other contact.  Today is Monday and she is at a second interview with a company that requested she come in prior to the contact on Wednesday.  Not knowing for sure what is going to happen, she is down the street for interview number two. Over the weekend I had her contact her professors at school, who all work in the field and have very impressive credits, if she could use them as references.  This bight and early Monday morning I had her send those references to the dream company with a note stating that she would like to share with him blah blah blah so that he might inquire more about the school the program and her!  Should work to get her back into the discussions at that company.

My mind scares me too.  I think of it as creative manipulation where I plant a seed and see if grows all the while making only positive statements.  Never inject anything negative into an email or conversation no matter how tiny it will misrepresent your intentions.  I am lucky in that my daughter can write very well.  She always comes across as sounding every bit the young professional.  It has only been thirty minutes and I am really hot and can’t think of anything more to write.  Time to blow off the little bits of pine from my keyboard and move along.  I need to run few errands, might as well do that now. 

HERE’s to the little bits!!

Too UNREAL

I am from here, born and raised on a southern California beach.  We moved to Oregon to raise our children and will never regret that move; it was the decision we had ever made.  Children that grow up on the beaches in southern Cal are very different from the Children growing up near Portland Oregon.  Again, good move by us__yeah us!

Now being back I am finding it hard to find our grove.  I was telling my mom as we drove around today that I knew these places but didn't have any emotional connection.  Shouldn't I have some sort of feeling or emotional connection?  Yes, there is my high school a few blocks up that way, Mira Costa where the kids went surfing for physical education.  I played volley ball on the beaches and rode my bike alone the strand or boardwalk as they call it back east.  Lots of memories but it is like it happened to someone else.  wild!

My daughter is looking to move to Santa Monica and start work in the movie industry.  We were online looking at the area and wow, it just clicked for her.  She instantly made this connection and I could see it.  I saw the connection form!  I am really happy for her and although that particular journey is not quite off my shoulders yet, I am thrilled that she has found her path.  We still have to nail the interview, settle on a wage and find a place to live.  O and there is the little question about lending her a car until she can buy her own, buying insurance for her and for the old Jeep my husband will have to drive.  OMG just made myself dizzy.  Ha ha, I just noticed that i wrote "we" still have to nail the interview, see I am still have issues with the separation thing.  Her life / my life.

OH my Goodness still so many balls in the air.

The Olympics are on so I have basically forgotten where I was going with my thoughts today.   It has something to do with that drive I took with my mom.  The feeling that I was a woman from Oregon visiting a town in southern California.  I just basically feel so distracted.

More on this after the Olympics

Opening Ceremonies

I must be overly critical cause I didn't love these opening ceremonies __or old, maybe I'm too old and perhaps i am not the target audience here.  There was so much going on I lost interest and didn't see the relevance.  I do love seeing the athletes walking in.  Something to be incredibly proud of especially when you consider all the work and sacrifice these individuals have given to be there.

Juggle this!

All the balls are up in the air and I am not sure how to proceed.  I know I can only go forward because that is what we do in this realm, we move forward.  No one that I know of has figured out how to relive the past, just as well, I do not want to go backwards.  Anyway I have these balls that I've tossed up into the air and now some of them are falling as they are supposed to do.... now what?

Hump Day

Hump Day 

I used to love Wednesdays, that wonderful middle of the week day that means the weekend is just around the corner.  Now I think, ugh it is almost Wednesday that day I have to run down to my parents house an hours drive sometimes more.  Wednesday, the day I spend the night in my childhood room wishing I were in bed next to my husband.  Wednesday, the day I drive down and find a list of "to-dos" just for little ole me.  Move this, clean that...I had to change my outfit three times because I had gotten so filthy working in the yard.  Wednesday :/

All the misery was abated today for a pre-father’s day bit of fun at the grandparents house; continued with some somber father’s day cake at my parent’s house.  Followed by the most amazing sunset on the drive home.  It was a good day today.  

All the hoop-la has ended all the celebrating and nervous energy has been spent.  We are currently sitting in the living room among boxes and boxes of boxes that were delivered today by UPS.  All that my daughter was in New York is now home on the West coast.  

Yes, she is home and she is miserable and it isn’t fun!  My son is home too and he is bored and wanting to get his first job, he is miserable as well.  My mother is dealing with my father and she is miserable too.  My dad doesn’t know who or where he is so that makes him just miserable!  My husband is in a kind of limbo, so he is just a bit miserable.  It is hard when all you have to do is wait.  We have nothing more to do but wait on other people to do their jobs.  I have always been told that stress increases when you have no control over a situation; this is one of those times.  I believe that the trick here will be to not take it out on one another, not to be say evil and nasty things while we wait. 

I did this, I am the all knowing mother, always controlling, always in the background.  Sometimes I am completely miffed as to why or how I created children that can't even do the simplest task without informing me or seeking my approval before they partake.  I see it now but I still don't understand how I was able to do this so thoroughly.  Oh my!

What is Dilemma number five?  Perhaps the final hurdle will be to find me.  I always state that I am a daughter, sister, friend, lover, wife and mother and then I like to state that sometimes I am even myself.  What that is exactly isn’t truly defined as of yet; who am I?  My entire reason for starting this blog was to try and define who I am.  I felt that at this point in my life I should know more about who I am and I realized that I don’t.  I thought that by writing words and sending them out into the cyber world that somehow the cosmos would help guide me along and indeed I have received my first comment; there are people out there.  What do other women feel at this phase of their lives?  Enquiring minds want to know :)  

I did just realize that the daughter, sister, friend, lover, wife, mother, me comment is the key.  It is all about perfecting or rather being satisfied with those phases of your life.  If I had a career of some sort I would have stuck that in there as well, but I have been a domestic goddess most of my adult life.  Not that I do not want a career because I would love to be something other than the aforementioned titles.  Maybe I'll think about this some more.  

What does one do when the chaos ends?  I wish I didn’t have an answer for that one but I do; one just finds another crazy issue to deal with.  Now the daughter needs a job so she can pay off school loans because we certainly cannot help her.  She is having a little confidence issue which i believe is part of the college process in fact that moment has already been dealt with and her confidence has been restored; see how fast that happened!  

I see her going from one extreme to the next as she wades her way through.  In fifteen days she is a graduate with financial responsibilities.  Because of the nature of her field she is required to have a website and portfolio which directly reflects her.  The fist attempt was a bit of a struggle and the feed back wasn’t necessarily positive so she panicked and emotions over flowed.  I think she was trying to make something that reflected her earlier work and it didn’t blend in with the type of projects she was now doing.  All the turmoil leads to an arranged meeting with her professor and some well placed encouragement and we are moving forward with new reverence.  In the last minutes everything is being torn down and rebuilt and according to her professor she can reapply to every company that had previously rejected her; the list of those companies isn’t long but she was disheartened by those that did.  Today is a positive day and one which she accomplished quite a bit.  I am excited to see what she pulls out of her hat this time.  The little that I did see impressed me. 

Finding the job is my forte and I feel like I’ve been activated, called in to once again do my thing.  I have been doing some espionage work around her professional accounts linking her up with various professionals that I believe will help her find a good job.  I have looked over and shortened her cover letter.  It is perfect and describes exactly what she is going for, who she is and what she wants.  She can use that when she gets everything else up and running.  I hope to use this opportunity to teach her how to track leads and turn them into opportunities.  Something clicks inside of me and I assume this Sherlock kind of image, makes me smile anyway.  Did mention that I blur the line between my life and hers?

Dilemma number one was finding a place to bloom a place to root and we have done that.  It was an incredible world-wind but we did do it; I love this house.  Number two was getting through the job issues for the husband.  He needed to find his happy place and I believe we have done that; he can retire from this company.  We will never be rich but we shall be happy.  Number three is getting our daughter started in a new city with a new job.  Number four will be working with our son.  He too needs to find his way.

I wonder what number five is??

Another wonderful day in southern California; It didn't start out that way but it did eventually get there.  

Crisis adverted and smooth sailing from noon on.  


Our daughter is the creative type and as I mentioned before, at times I have trouble finding that line between her life and my own.  When she is feeling stress and having confidence issues, I feel them too.  I believe it is a process and a part of being so creative.  You would think that she would primarily be a left brain kind of person which she is but she also thinks way too much and as a result gets in her own way.  She is aware of this and yet it never fails that little Miss. "I hate drama" becomes the biggest drama queen ever!  


I was never one of those mothers that goo-gooed over their kids; talking in that high pitched loud obnoxious voice going over the top to explain one of life's little mysteries.  I talked to them like I would want to be talked to and I always kept it real.  When they were older I never held back my honest opinion and not because of some parenting book i had read because honestly I never remember reading any.  I am just that kind of person.  My daughter has said that I adequately prepared her for life because when it came time to critique projects in school some of those kids would curl up and cry.  Those kids received a trophy no matter what, right, all kids get trophies cause they are all important and gave it their best!  I say, bullshit!  I am laughing because that is a pet peeve of my husbands; he always felt that kids should learn how to lose, it would make them want to win more.  All children participating in team sports here in the United States receive a trophy no matter what.  After twenty some odd years of being told the sun shines out your ass, it makes it hard to know how to deal with criticism.  My daughter never cried, she just moved on and did what she needed to do.  I say bravo baby!

What an incredible day to be selfish and humbled by life.  <3  Slight breeze flowing over my shoulders as I toil in the garden; it is an amazing day to be just us.  

It is a continuous theme in my life to experience exact opposite feelings at the same time.  Yesterday was exhilarating because I was able to do so much yard work and not die.  I visit my parents every Wednesday and Thursday; I go to help them with whatever they need and to give my mom a break.  Two giant trees removed from the yard equals a giant mess to clean up.  I arrived at ten in the morning and did not stop until after five; every part of me covered in dirt.  It is incredible that I was able to do as much as I did and I was pretty happy about that fact.  It was also evident that my body is more than a half century old; because everything hurt.  I hate being reminded that I am this old and that things are starting to break down.

  It is interesting that most people only consider that perhaps they should take better care of themselves when there has already been damage.  Like most people I am thinking that I need to be kinder to myself because I can see the future and it isn't a good one.  Note to self, better find a way to heat our swimming pool so I can start exercising more and better start eating better so I can get up off my knees.  There ya go, every day is a learning day even at my age.

tick tick tick tick... you know that noise that the roller coaster makes as it pulls to the top to a point where it is supposed to plummet straight down with lightening speed?  I do, I have been listening to those ticking sounds for many years now.  In the years before we sold our home ourselves; after being screwed over by a too new real-estate agent.  All that stress involved in keeping such a big home clean 24/7; updating websites and getting the word out, networking.  The fighting with local real-estate people who were never too thrilled that we were selling the house ourselves; they would steal our open house signs.  It did end but the ticking sound never did cease.  The two years we spent at a rental should have been a time to gather our thoughts but it turned into its own stressful situation.  It is hard for two DIY-ers to not DIY.  We should have at least painted, gotten rid of that purple kitchen, but it was supposed to be temporary.  So of course there was the added stress of looking for another home.  Again all the set backs proved to be beneficial now but then it was hell!  We did put in an offer on a home that if it would have worked out would have been detrimental to our success today.

The decision to move from one state to another was in of itself a crazy undertaking.  The moving trucks and the PODs and the thousand mile treks back and forth; it was very stressful!  The best was when me and the kids moved into my parents house and my husband lived with his parents.  We would partake in conjugal visits on the weekend; poor guy was beaten down.  We did that for six months before we found the home we now live in; the home that they will have to one day drag our poor old dead bodies out of.  The one my husband bought without me seeing it.  Yep, I signed all the papers and going out with the inspector was the first time that I saw it.  My Husband and the real-estate woman held their breathes and I held my composure.  I could not get past the ugly and I could not see what I do see today.  The one part of my life that is a constant is my husband; he is my rock!  I depend on him and he depends on me, we are a great team.  Rule number one is that he picks out the house and the paint colors.  He later told me that he didn't consider the house so much as the view, the pool and the location.  He knew that we could eventually make the house our own and we shall, one day.

Too bad that no good awful nasty job got in our way and added all that extra stress, (as stated in my first post).  Thinking back on that ticking noise it does stand to reason that at some point we are going to hit the peak and come crashing down however, I think I missed that plummeting feeling.  I don't recall clutching my gut and wanting to throw up at any point; it all just kind of stopped dead.  Silence ensued.

I should come full circle and say that the reason I occasionally feel depressed is when I look around and realize how much needs to be done to this little house; hence the first post about how no little girl dreams of being in this situation at the age of 50.  I started writing that somewhere between the no good awful horrible job and the dream job that pays less.  I was feeling particularly sorry for myself that day and for what it's worth, I cut and pasted that from a note I had written to myself.  The time line is off but I believe I have gotten everything posted now.

24 more days and our daughter graduates from college!

Cause it is worth repeating:
I feel calm

Fast forward two months:

One late night I sat up thinking all was lost; or was it? Oddly it doesn’t feel lost. I should be in a panic and that feeling does come and go, but over all no one sees the sky falling yet. Personally I have to believe that these delays are happening for a reason. Follow the path! So as I said, it is late and I just know there is a reason so I begin to google R&D in our area. I went over a few pages and I stumble upon this kid with whacked red hair standing beside a robotic arm he had created. I thought to myself that my husband should be working on stuff like that! Where does this kid work, where do they do this type of thing in this area? I moved on to find the name of the company and through other sources found that the company had a machine shop in this area. I was excited to see that they were a research lab, this is the dream job. My husband was made for that type of thing, he has trained for it his whole career. Another bit of research turned up the supervisor's name and email. I quickly shot off an email telling him, (using my husbands email account) that he needed me and I attached his website. Five hours later I wake up briefly when my husband is readying himself for work, "Honey, if someone calls from some company in ___, it was me", crash back down into the pillow. Six o'clock that Am some guy emails my husband back asking him to call him so he promptly calls. The next day he is interviewing and he is told that he has the job. Since there was no job requisition open, this will take a few weeks to set things up. NO Problem!

Plans work out and we acquire the dream job; two weeks notice has been given, albeit prematurely, yet we are so sure...! Reality hits home or rather hits us in the pocket book. Dream job pays a lot less then we hoped but there is hope for a future pay off. Is the work more important then the money cause the horrible job has potential too? Potential buyer (no good awful company) wants to negotiate with my husband and is upset that he has given his two weeks notice.

Our newest plan is to go forward with the dream job since they are insisting we go with a temp agency. This was offensive at first yet now it appears to give us a nice window; we can peer into this dream job and take the time to negotiate with the other guy. The end to all of this has been pushed out another month or so and we obviously do not get to step off the roller coaster; we are physically drained.

Things seem to be a little up in the air and there are a few days of real tension when we discover that the dream job is paying even less than we were told. I don't know what all this is, I just want it to end. I want the damn merry-go-round and I want off this damn roller coaster. I don't think I can take it any more. Fast forward another three weeks and i am sitting calmly in my front room tapping away at my computer after a day with the in-laws and my parents and a successful week at the dream job under our belt.

Roller Coaster ForEVer

My newest personal blog that no one will ever know about but me and anyone else who might read it.  I think that is an oxymoron, ha, I don't care.

I don't remember wanting this when I was a little girl.  What little girl dreams of reaching 50 and not having it all?   Fifty year olds are supposed to have a home with ...  I didn't know how to finish that sentence.  What is a fifty year old supposed to have?  Maybe I am reading too much into this, maybe I should not expect whatever it is that I think I should have attained.  It seems to me that times have changed so much that most people do not enter into a job and stay there for centuries, collect a pension and retire with grandchildren.  Our parents did just that; married, found jobs, bought a home, had children, retired with grand children all around.  Lesson number one, we are not our parents.  

We are not our parents but we are expected to take care of them.  Despite our own struggles, we are expected to stop our lives and make sure theirs are comfortable.  As i suppose we should.  After all it is only our relationships and experiences that we take with us when we pass on.   When we leave this world and our own children have taken time out to tend to us, when we leave, that is all we take.  It also comes to pass that at this point in our own lives, we realize how little time we have to accomplish all this.  Little time to educate ourselves and establish relationships that will last us now and forever through out eternity, if you choose to believe in such things as I do.  Sometimes I feel like I have traveled in a cosmic circle of some sort.  Personally I started late because I was a little busy having a good time.  O yeah I was a good time girl and I have no regrets.  I was almost thirty by the time I married my soul mate and started a family, which really worked out for me.  Time may not be on our side, yet I am most proud of the fact that I did wait to settle down.  That first part of life starts out so slow, it takes forever to reach those magic numbers, 13, 16, 18,  and 21. I sailed on into my twenties and I loved every moment.  Time did have more momentum but I didn't pay attention because I was having a good time.  After marriage, even more so after children, time seemed to go into hyper drive.  Perhaps there is that distraction that keeps one from noticing as time flies, I don't know.  Time is illusive and yet precious and not always consistent no matter what they tell us in grade school.  Lesson number two:  Time is not on our side.

I find myself living through another, my daughter.  I relish in her accomplishments and dream her dreams.  Perhaps I dwell too much on her new found love and all the things she has yet to experience.  When did this happen?  When did my own sense of living stop and become hers?  It is the greatest accomplishment to see your children to a better future than you had.  I like that idea.  Thankfully, I do not experience jealously mostly because I could never do the things that she does.  She is a very different person than I, very creative and whimsical; I might wish that I had some of that artistic ability but much of me is just thrilled that I was part of her creation.  I made her!  Well, part of her anyway.  The possibilities in front of this kid are endless new and exciting things; things that no one I know has ever done.  Every morning I check to see if I got a text or if there is a new comment on one of the social media pages.  What is she doing and why am I so obsessed with her life and not my own?  I have come to a realization that I’ve been neglecting my own possibilities.  I am not dead yet, I have possibilities.  I have a new home to work on and a wonderful garden to cultivate; I have a new neighborhood to discover and new friends to make.  I am missing out on a lot of living and those moments are gone.  Apparently I have forgotten a golden rule of mine to practice living in the moment.  It is important to realize what is around you specifically while you’re right there.  Tonight the stars were out and the sky was clear and I forgot to go out and look.  Lesson number three, don’t forget how to live your own life.

My dad is suffering from dementia and it is getting worse everyday.  He is scared much of the time and my poor mother is the soul caretaker.  She is the one that has to talk him down when he thinks he sees snakes in his bed.  She follows him around all day making sure he flushes the toilet and washes his hands, she brushes his teeth and makes sure he bathes and has his clothes on straight.  I spend two days a week with him and I am exhausted and I leave there wondering how she keeps her own sanity.  The man I visit on Wednesday and Thursday is not my father, he is only the shell of the man he used to be. My personal belief system is so very different from my parents and for what it is worth, I am always trying to interject my views.  For instance, my father is terrified of dying.  The mere mention of the ‘d’ word sends him into a spin.  Recently I had a thought that perhaps he was terrified because he believed in heaven and hell.  Maybe he thinks he is going to hell because of the things that he did.  The last time I was over I asked him if he believed in heaven and hell and he said he didn’t know.  I still think that there is something to my theory.  Mom and I try to tell him that no one lives forever but it always back fires and he loses it for the rest of that day.  I tell him that he fears dying so much that he forgets to live.  I asked him if he had gone outside today to feel the sun or to look at his garden when I knew he had not done much other than get out of bed to eat and go to bathroom.  He just looks over at me with real fear and starts crying, big crocodile tears.  That night, I immediately went outside to view the stars and the next day I look over every plant in my garden.  My dad has taught me that the little moments are just as important as the big events, maybe more so.  It is all the little things that lead us to the big stuff anyway.  Yes, we are not our parents and they are not us.  Time is not on our side but it is vitally important that we pay attention and rejoice in what we do notice because that can dictate how we live our lives.  

I had been told by a women much wiser than myself, that I always try to bend the river.  It wasn’t until just recently that I figured out that she wasn’t complimenting me and that I had a problem.  In the past it was my belief that to “creatively manipulate” a situation was a commendable attribute.  Now I know that I was basically full of shit because now I know that there is nothing creative about trying to bend the river.  It is the quiet person that sees the way.  What is important is to watch and pay attention to subtleties, those things that others might miss or consider a problem.  Those things that appear to be devastating, might just direct us down another path.  Since moving to California, we have learned to listen.  I can honestly say that we have gained some sort of knowledge and have learned to listen.  Recently my immediate family has been experiencing much turmoil and we have allowed the majority of these situations to play out with the thought that it must be happening for a reason.  True enough, when one thing completely failed it was so that another could develop.  I don’t claim to have perfected this new way of thinking because as I write this I am experiencing more stress than ever.  I have this irregular heart beat thing going on that is making me feel very uncomfortable and I am a little worried about it.  Everything has come to a head and we are about to find out if our listening will pay off.  Did we pass up on the other job opportunities because I had a feeling that there was more?  The awful horrible no good place that my husband has had to work at is about to implode and we can only hope that this other place will come through for us.  Oh my goodness we are really putting all our hopes into this one idea just because everything lead us down this path.  The next paragraph will be interesting to write.  If I wake up in the morning and our little plan falls into place as we suspect it will, I will finish this story.  Let’s listen...