June Gloom

Ironically this post follows the previous post titled, ZOOOM Life and Living.  I state that fact because it has been over a year since i wrote and life is very much the same, only different.

My daughter has moved out and is working at a company that basically told her everything she wanted to hear including an extortionate salary.  She is working for this company but hates almost every moment.  The good part is that by taking this job, she was able to move into the area that she wanted.  Now she is setting herself up to find her dream job and until then, she continues to text me all day long.  She still hasn't found her "people" yet, and how could she?  She talks to her mom all day and complains about her awful job where she makes more than her father ever did.

My son is still unemployed but we are currently on a path to remedy that.  He is working with the Dept. of Rehabilitation.  This is a government agency that helps people with disabilities find jobs. This involves lots of appointments, testing and coaching. I'm kind of tired, but I stick this out because my kid needs a life, a life away from his mommy.

My husband isn't happy happy with his job either and my mother is dealing with a deep sadness.  I am pretty sure she is depressed.  Last week she started crying right in the middle of our phone conversation, crazy.

Me, I am wondering how to deal with everyone's sadness. I have no answers as to how I am supposed to do this. I have my own stuff and things to deal with. We have money from an inheritance and we can't even find a contractor willing to take some of it off our hands.  Gosh, i don't even feel like blogging about this right now.  Let's just say that everything hinges on a "friend" helping us... yeah, a friend.  This "friend" is an architect and offered to draw us up some plans but that has yet to happen.  Oh well.

ZOOOM Life and Living

Sunset at the homestead again. March 30th 2015, Spring time in Southern California. Looks much like all the other months of the year here. Maybe that is our problem here, no shifting of the senses, no change. 

My blog is a place i walk to__a place I can attempt to sort through my feelings. Reading old posts further reinforces my thoughts about time and that everything changes. It makes me wonder why we freak out about situations when they will ultimately morph into other things? You can count on that fact. Maybe we worry about what exactly will our prickly little issues turn into? What indeed?

Since 2013 we have lost my husband's parents, both grandma and grandpa have since passed. We have rescued our daughter from an abusive situation in San Francisco and she now lives with us. She is currently trying to find another job down here while working remotely with the SF company. Our son still struggles with unemployment and a sense of worth.  He has zero direction and I am uncomfortable saying it aloud, but I am of no help. My mother is a constant tug at my heart because she is so sad and I don't know what to do about it or how to help. 

As I write all that it is as if time stopped but I know that is not possible. How did all these things happen in just a few years? We have some money now from my husband's parents and we are attempting to set a five year goal plan. Stay? Move? Love this house or fix it to sell? How to best move forward?  Older is not always wiser?  

  

Depressed about being Depressed

Im-ing with my daughter in San Francisco while watching the People's Choice Awards, listening to Spotify and looking at house pics on Houzz and trying to blog.  

There are eleven orcas trapped in the sea ice and they probably will not make it.  I watch the video and I can feel their panic.  I can't turn away and I keep watching.  I wonder if when a person is going through their own depression they gravitate to sad things?  I just want to rest and maybe do something other than worry.  What would that be like?  I was fine today I have no idea why this awful sadness is surrounding me right now and right before bed.  Oh yeah, I am going to sleep tonight.  Actually sleep is my sanctuary.  I have the means to fix this house and help my kids and relax with my husband.  I wonder why it takes me so long to climb into bed being that it is a place where I can dream, where possibilities exist?  

I am so depressed about being depressed.  

Happy New Year 2013

On to the next year.  I have so much hope because the alternative is unfathomable and I hope because I have children and I want them to have experiences.  This past year hasn't ended as I planned but i suppose that just isn't how it works.  Whatever "it" is.  My father passed away September 28th and now things are so very different, everything has changed.  I am ready to leave 2012 and start a new anything and everything.  In my head a flash of something dreadful comes to mind, change is not always good.  Okay a few changes are merited  I have hope for good changes and forward movement that we can all agree to be necessary.  I want to wake up every day and feel love.  I want to have positive energy all around me all the time. Okay so I know this isn't possible but I can HOPE for it.  Here in California not all of us choose to party hard!  We did get an invite to the party of the year but as always we decided to stay home.  We have always preferred to bring in the next year peacefully and safely from our home where ever that happens to be each December 31st.  May we all experience the energy of our choice and revel in it, learn from it, and use it to move forward.  

HYPNOTIC SHAMANIC MEDITATION DRUMMING &CHANT

My Pop

I miss this old man.  Love you Dad.

You were so sad. I hope and pray that you have found your happy place Daddy  <3

WHO AM I

THE REAL VIEW:  WHO AM I?  

Daughter, sister, lover, wife, mother, friend & sometimes just me __that's who I am today.  I am also a bit pushy and sometimes very nosey so I try to control situations or understand them by controlling them.  I am proud and I love and I care.  I am scared and fearful of the rest of my life.  I am a dreamer of dreams and a doer of nothing.  I constantly analyze and try to list or find out why?  What if?  But why would that person do that or why would they want to?  I like to sleep so I can dream about it cause I can't do it in my wake time.  I like to decorate and remodel and I watch house hunter International because I dream of travel.  I am scared of traveling and fearful of different.  I embrace difference and respect it.  I pray every day for tolerance but don't believe in religion.  I am a dedicated individual wanting world peace.  I wish people truly treated each other like they would like to be treated__that is a religion I could support.  It is midnight and I am pretty sure I will turn into a pumpkin.  Good night