The moon isn't quite full tonight but I pray that there is enough light to help my father find his way. There of course speculation about what happens when one dies; I laugh when people honestly believe they know the truth. How could they know? I would never presume to know what happens. I am a wait and see kind of gal. What I do know is that death is final for the living. My father was here this morning and now he isn't; perhaps in spirit but not in body. They took him away, those men in the white mini van, they took him away and said they would be "good to our loved one". Seconds later they draped him in a silk blanket and tossed him up on a gurney but I am sure they didn't mean to be so rough. One can only hope that they do treat him with respect.
I am currently sitting on his bed in his room and he is not. He just isn't. I wonder if I type that fifty more times if it will seem any more real. Death is surreal.
Rest in peace Daddy
James Kolb
01-27-34
09-28-12
Friday, September 28, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Wishes Hurt
My husband sent me a gif. of a shooting star to make a wish upon. How iconic of the time to send a gif. of a shooting star but yes he did. He emailed it to me which makes me smile as well. It's my birthday again, seems like every year I have to deal with this birthday issue__ just like everyone else I suppose.
I have always hated my birthday because well, usually someone dies, but that hasn't been the case these past years. I still hate the date. My husband said to make a wish but wishes hurt right now. God that sounds so awful to say but I heard it on TV just a few moments ago, that wishes hurt, and I totally made a connection with the comment. I have so many wishes and I know that many will not come to pass, not in this life time. When It's my time to come back around I am not coming back without a way to make some of these wishes come true. I will just stay part of the light and refuse to walk out. For an entire year I have been sitting on camping chairs in the living room; my dining table is a hand-me-down from my mother. I would like real grown-up furniture. I have old nasty carpet covering beautiful old hardwood floors and I want more than anything to rip them up but I have to wait, wait for paint, wait to tear out the wall, wait for the moldings. Oh my goodness there is so much that one should do before tearing up the carpet because right now it protects the wood floors. All we need is the cash. That almighty buck that constantly seems to elude us.
I just realized another aspect of why I hate my birthdays, birthdays reveal your like-ability. How many friends do you have? Who would come to your party should anyone actually organize something for the event? I don't think many people would come to my birthday. I have never had a close circle of friends. My best friends are my husband and my daughter.
I love movies about women coming together and accomplishing goals being there and supporting one another. Another wish I have always had but never took the time to develop was to have friends. I have acquaintances and people I have known since forever but I do not actively participate in the friendship. A person has to be willing to give up a bit of themselves to belong to a group and I don't think, at least outside my own family circle, that I have ever done that. I have issues!
Who need to spend money on therapy? I just figured out all my problems surrounding the utter disdain for the sixth of September. I am not feeling too hopeful right now at this moment but I do have hope that I will figure out how to remedy this situation in the future. At some point I hope to venture out into the world and make friends. Throw a party?????
I have always hated my birthday because well, usually someone dies, but that hasn't been the case these past years. I still hate the date. My husband said to make a wish but wishes hurt right now. God that sounds so awful to say but I heard it on TV just a few moments ago, that wishes hurt, and I totally made a connection with the comment. I have so many wishes and I know that many will not come to pass, not in this life time. When It's my time to come back around I am not coming back without a way to make some of these wishes come true. I will just stay part of the light and refuse to walk out. For an entire year I have been sitting on camping chairs in the living room; my dining table is a hand-me-down from my mother. I would like real grown-up furniture. I have old nasty carpet covering beautiful old hardwood floors and I want more than anything to rip them up but I have to wait, wait for paint, wait to tear out the wall, wait for the moldings. Oh my goodness there is so much that one should do before tearing up the carpet because right now it protects the wood floors. All we need is the cash. That almighty buck that constantly seems to elude us.
I just realized another aspect of why I hate my birthdays, birthdays reveal your like-ability. How many friends do you have? Who would come to your party should anyone actually organize something for the event? I don't think many people would come to my birthday. I have never had a close circle of friends. My best friends are my husband and my daughter.
I love movies about women coming together and accomplishing goals being there and supporting one another. Another wish I have always had but never took the time to develop was to have friends. I have acquaintances and people I have known since forever but I do not actively participate in the friendship. A person has to be willing to give up a bit of themselves to belong to a group and I don't think, at least outside my own family circle, that I have ever done that. I have issues!
Who need to spend money on therapy? I just figured out all my problems surrounding the utter disdain for the sixth of September. I am not feeling too hopeful right now at this moment but I do have hope that I will figure out how to remedy this situation in the future. At some point I hope to venture out into the world and make friends. Throw a party?????
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